I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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