I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
