I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
