I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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