I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
