Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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