god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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