dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
