theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
