nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
