just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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