Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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