I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
