I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Randomize
