I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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