Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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