I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
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