I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
