if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Sorry about my life...
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
