I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Randomize
