i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
And then he peed in my hair
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