Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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