So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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