i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
