I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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