friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
