k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
