just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize