i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
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