You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Randomize
