I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
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