It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
