I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
