i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
