in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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