In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
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