im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
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