so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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