Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
