remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
