maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize