i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
