the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
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Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
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Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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