There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I pour the whiskey from now on
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
