I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
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I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
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I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar