So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
17 of the Dumbest Defenses Heard in Court
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
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id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT