i'm lost and i look like a hooker
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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