Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I smell stomach acid.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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