If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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