like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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