I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
