I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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