I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
