I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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