Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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