i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize