My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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