he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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